


It's Hard To Say I'm Sorry

by MaliceManaged



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Dammit This Wasn't Supposed To Be Sad, Drunk Sex, Established Relationship, F/M, Forgiveness, Infidelity, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki fucked up, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Past Traumatic Events, Reconciliation, Referenced PTSD, Relationship Problems, Self-Hatred, because Darcy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 06:13:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5817241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaliceManaged/pseuds/MaliceManaged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a night of careless drinking on Thor's Nameday; Loki wakes up in bed with a woman who is definitely <em>not</em> his girlfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Hard To Say I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the poem 'Apology' by Judith Viorst.
> 
> This was supposed to be a funny little fic, but noooooo; let's just dump that idea make myself cry before 5pm!

    When Loki awoke in his bed early in the morning, the first thought on his mind was to wonder how in the Nine he had gotten home in the first place; after all he drank at his brother’s Nameday celebration the night before, he can’t have been in a very fit state to drive. He felt movement at his side and figured he must have called his girlfriend to pick him up. As soon as she woke up, she would likely scold him for it now that he was sober again. With that in mind, Loki gently ran his fingers up her sides and brushed away her dark hair to kiss her shoulder.

 

    _Wait..._ dark _hair?_ The thought was slow to register in his still sleepy mind, but once it did he sat up with a jolt and looked down at his bedmate. Her back was to him and her face obscured, but he’d recognise that long brunette mane and pale curves anywhere: Darcy Lewis. A very naked Darcy Lewis, at that.

The woman in question mumbled something groggily as she stirred awake and Loki ran his hands through his messy hair, trying to clear his thoughts and remember how they’d ended up in this position; desperately hoping the answer wasn’t the more than likely scenario, but knowing it was pointless to.

 

    As Darcy got her bearings she turned and looked at him, blinking slowly, until she seemed to finally recognise just who she’d woken up next to. She sat up in flash and regretted the action immediately as her vision swam and the pounding in her head got worse.

 

    “Shit.” - She groaned. She looked at him and asked, “We totally hooked up last night, didn’t we?” Loki nodded solemnly. “Shitfuck; Jane’s gonna kill me!”

 

    “We should all be so lucky.” - Loki mumbled. He glanced at the clock and tensed as he saw what time it was; his girlfriend had worked overnight - which was why she hadn’t come with him to the party - and should be just about home by now. Turning to Darcy he said, “You need to leave. Now.”

 

    Darcy raised her eyebrows and scoffed, “Wow; _classy.”_

Nevertheless, she got out of bed and began looking around for her clothes. Loki stood also and grabbed the first pair of sleep pants he saw. As he pulled them on he heard the locks on the front door turning and his eyes widened and he turned to look at Darcy, who had frozen and was looking at him with eyes just as wide when she realised just why he was in such a hurry to get rid of her. Darcy Lewis was and aspired to be a lot of things, but ‘homewrecker’ was _not_ on her list.

 

    “Leave, now!” - He hissed quietly in urgency, rushing out of the room.

 

 

    Danielle walked into the apartment sluggishly; the night had been a long one at the hotel she worked in and all she wanted was food, a shower, and her bed. As she placed her keys on their hook on the wall, she turned towards the kitchen and was slightly startled to see Loki standing there.

 

    “Hey. Didn’t expect you up so early; figured you’d be nursing a hangover.” - She teased, pulling the pin out of her red hair and letting it tumble down her back freely.

 

    “I never get them.” - Loki replied with a shrug.

 

    “Lucky you.” - She said with a laugh then walked over to him, standing on the tips of her toes to place a soft kiss on his lips, decidedly ignoring the light scars on them.

 

    They were very faint now, barely even noticeable unless you really looked, and Loki had told her that soon enough even that would be gone, but she still shuddered to think about the day she found him almost eight years ago. He never did tell her why his lips had been sewn shut, and given how it had taken the better part of two years for the nightmares to stop, she’d been afraid to ask, even after they’d shared most about their lives when they became friends.

As he returned the kiss Loki’s mind wandered to their bedroom, hoping to any force that would listen that Darcy had finished dressing and made use of the conveniently placed fire exit. Until he was sure, he had to keep Danielle busy. Thankfully, he knew how to best distract her.

 

    “You must be hungry.” - He said, pulling her to the kitchen/dining room and sitting her down at the table, “Why don’t I make you breakfast?”

 

    “Oh? Is such a menial task not beneath a god?” - She teased with a laugh, echoing words he’d once told her.

 

    “For my goddess, no task is too mundane to perform.” - Loki shot back, smirking at the blush that brought upon her freckled cheeks.

 

    “Flatterer.” - Danielle said; hiding her blush behind her pale hands, pointless though it was.

 

    “Shamelessly.” - Loki replied with a wink as he walked over to the fridge, earning a laugh.

 

 

    One overly-showy bit of cooking and a surprisingly delicious meal later, Danielle stood under the spray of the shower. As she reached behind her for the bath sponge, she felt an arm surround her waist and another gently grab her wrist and pull it up to a pair of lips for a light kiss. She smiled and let Loki wash her back; after she rinsed the soap off he pushed her up against the wall with his body pressed to her back and began kissing her shoulder and neck, his hands wandering between her breasts, sides, and between her legs.

He nudged her legs apart with his foot then grabbed her hips to better position her, a moan escaping them both as he entered her. Loki kept his thrusts slow and deliberate, taking his time, and raised a hand to entwine his fingers with hers on the wall. Danielle let her head fall back onto his shoulder as he brought them to, then over, the edge, sighing contentedly as he lay more kisses along her neck and shoulder before turning her face to his and sharing a deep slow kiss.

 

    Once she was clean (again) they stepped out of the shower and dried off then Loki picked Danielle up in his arms and brought her into their (blessedly empty) bedroom. Subtly changing the sheets with his seidr as his girlfriend was tiredly pulling on a nightgown, Loki lay down and waited for her, drawing her into his arms when she came to bed and thanking the Norns as they drifted off to sleep that he’d woken up before she got home.

 

 

    A week later the guilt in Loki’s mind was eating him alive. As much as he rationalised that neither he nor Darcy had been in their right minds when they slept together and that it certainly wouldn’t have happened if they had been; it didn’t change the fact that he’d cheated on Danielle then covered it up.

Now his conscience was pulling him in opposing directions: On one hand he knew keeping the truth from her wasn’t right given all she’d done for him and how much she loved him, but on the other hand telling her would most certainly mean he would lose her. She was just about the only thing keeping him going, and the thought of losing her was devastating.

 

    _It’s your own fault._ A voice at the back of his mind spoke viciously, _You should have thought of that_ before _indulging yourself._ He knew it was right, of course; a little more restraint and he wouldn’t be in this mess. _Then again, that_ is _what you do, is it not? Destroy anything of value you have._ The voice added mockingly, _Your home, your bond with Thor._ In a whisper it said, _Your mother..._

 

    _No! That was_ not _my fault!_ Loki shouted back at it, burying his face in his hands, absently digging his fingernails into his scalp. _Not my fault..._ But did he really believe that? It was always the doubt that made his grief worse; the doubt as to whether his careless words to that monster had inadvertently led to Frigga’s death. He had to believe they hadn’t, for his own sake, but the fact was that he would never know.

 

    _Tell yourself whatever you will._ The voice sneered, _It won’t change the facts. And the fact is you’re about to lose yet another thing you never deserved to have in the first place._ Loki tried to will the voice to be silent, but it was quite determined to torment him. _Dani will leave you, just as soon as she finds out._ It continued maliciously. _And she_ will _find out. One way or another._

 

    As he heard the front door opening Loki stood up from the couch, having made a decision, and whispered aloud, “Yes; she will.”

 

 

    The first thing Danielle noticed as she laid her green eyes upon her boyfriend was that he was clearly very distraught; his hair was slightly messy as though he’d been continuously running his fingers through it, his eyes were a bit red and shining with unshed tears, and his posture was slumped almost dejectedly, which was something she hadn’t seen him do in years. Immediately she began to worry and walked over to him hurriedly, forgoing her original plan to change out of her uniform.

 

    “Loki; what’s wrong?” - She asked, reaching for his hand, which he immediately pulled away.

 

    “Dani; we need to talk. I... I have something to tell you.” - Loki replied quietly, not quite meeting her eyes.

 

    “Okay... What is it?” - Danielle asked hesitantly, trying not to assume the worst. They had been doing okay, hadn’t they? If there was a problem in their relationship, he would’ve told her, right? When he didn’t say anything, she prompted, “Loki?”

 

    Loki swallowed thickly then said, “I have...” He cleared his throat and tried again, managing to whisper, “I’ve been unfaithful...”

 

    For a moment Danielle stood there, not quite processing the words, until finally she quietly asked, _“...What?”_

 

    Loki took a shuddering breath then confessed what had been weighing on him so heavily, “The night of Thor’s Nameday, I... I drank far too much and I... brought someone here.”

 

    “I see...” - Danielle whispered numbly then asked, “Someone I know?”

 

    “No.” - Loki replied, somewhat glad that was the case.

 

    For a long while nobody spoke, the silence stretching uncomfortably between them, and then Danielle took a deep breath, looked up at him and said, “Okay, then... Here’s what we’re going to do: I’m gonna pack a bag and I’m gonna spend the weekend at my mother’s. Then I’m going to come back, and we’ll talk.” Loki opened his mouth to say something but she raised her hand to stop him. “Until then, you will not speak to me. Understood?” Loki nodded, looking down guiltily. “Good.”

 

    With that Danielle turned and went into their bedroom to get her things together. She didn’t even glance at him as she walked back out and left the apartment without another word. As soon as she was gone all the strength seemed to leave Loki’s legs and he sunk down to the floor on his knees.

 

 

    It was easily the longest weekend of their lives. Danielle’s mother had sat there patiently as she vented out her anger and held her when she cried, gently steering her away from blaming herself in any way or marching right back to her apartment and kicking Loki out, knowing she would likely regret it later. She knew all too well just how deeply in love her daughter was, which was both a blessing and a curse in this situation.

Loki had gone to Thor (surprising both of them) and told him what happened. The Thunderer had alternately consoled his brother and berated him for making such a stupid mistake. He had yet to meet Danielle, but considering she had basically put his brother back together after what happened (which he steadfastly did _not_ think about if he could avoid it), he held a world of gratitude for her.

 

    Darcy was feeling absolutely miserable; and that was _before_ Jane had yelled at her. She had struck up a sort of friendship with the trickster god, and she genuinely liked him when he wasn’t trying to kill his brother and/or take over the world. It was plain to see how depressed Loki was over the whole thing and she felt very guilty about her part in it, even if he didn’t seem to hold it against her. Not to mention that word had gotten to her own sort-of boyfriend, effectively ending their on/off-again relationship.

 

    All in all, in was a very distressing few days for all involved.

 

 

    When Danielle walked back into her apartment Monday morning Loki was already there, sitting at the dining table with his hands on his lap, a mug of their favourite tea before him and another before the seat across from him clearly meant for her. The little gesture made a corner of her mouth twitch upwards; he always had been very thoughtful once he’d opened up to her and let her in.

 

    As she walked into the room Loki looked up at her and said, somewhat surprised, “You came back.”

 

    “Of course I did; I live here.” - She replied, sitting down. She lifted the mug and took a sip before adding, “I’d said I would.”

 

    “Danielle; I...” - Loki trailed off, unsure what to even say.

He wanted to apologise. He truly did. He _was_ sorry. More than sorry, so much more. But he just couldn’t seem to find the words. He never had been very good at apologising; he didn’t often regret his actions.

 

    “I want to hate you. I really do.” - Danielle spoke up when it became obvious he wouldn’t be able to.

 

    Loki lowered his head and said, “I would deserve it.”

 

    “But I don’t. I can’t.” - She continued, adding somewhat bitterly, “And believe me, I tried.”

 

    “Dani...” - Loki began barely above a whisper, looking back up at her.

 

    Danielle interrupted him by slamming her hands on the table, causing some of the tea to spill from their mugs, and yelling, “How could you be so irresponsible?!”

 

    “I’m... I’m sorry. Dani; I’m so sorry! I don’t know... I don’t know...” - He choked slightly before adding desperately, “But it will never happen again, I swear it! Please... Please don’t leave me. Please.”

 

    Danielle was silent for a while, unnerved by the desperation in his voice, and then said, “I’m not gonna throw away three years of happiness so easily. I can’t forgive you completely. Not yet.” She took a deep breath. “But I’m not going to hold this against you forever. I know that you’re sorry, and I still love you.”

 

    “I will do whatever I have to, to make this up to you.” - Loki swore, “However long it takes.”

 

    “Oh, yes; you will.” - Danielle confirmed.

 

 

    It took six months for Danielle to fully forgive Loki, which surprised him; he had prepared himself for a much longer wait. In all that time Danielle had forbidden him from touching so much as a drop of alcohol, and though he’d never been as much of a drinker as, say, Thor; he rather missed unwinding with a glass or two of wine and a good book after a long day.

He understood the decision of course, given how the whole mess started because he was drunk, and it certainly didn’t bother him half as much as having to sleep on the couch. To say he missed sharing their bed would be an understatement. At this point, he didn’t even care about the sex that much; he just missed drifting off to sleep with her near.

 

    He’d been doing so for the past six years, ever since he’d woken up for a particularly vivid nightmare and had silently slipped into bed beside her as she slept. She’d been surprised at first, but after noticing how much easier his sleep was, allowed it.

When his penance was over she didn’t say a word, simply grabbed his hand one night, led him to their bed, and pulled him to lie down beside her. He woke up feeling truly rested again and silently vowed he would give his all to never lose this one good thing.


End file.
